Going Back Home
Por: Bayasgalan Batsuuri
Going Back Home
I am heading to my homeland,
where my ancestors are sleeping on their stone beds.
Life is not a thing which goes as planned.
However, it is a universal truth that I would end in their shade.
Oh, the eternal blue mountain in the distance!
You are the shrine which keeps my ancestors’ souls.
Your glorious sight shows me the true meaning of existence.
Be alive every minute of life, but keep the dead inside your body!
A mountain is a burial of an infinite amount of dust.
I am also a burial of an indefinite time of past.
"Let’s play climbing up!" he asked. I agreed.
The rooftop ladder stretched up to the sky.
In my poor heart, I dared to believe that -
we could reach for the shining stars above.
"Let’s play jumping down!" he asked. I also agreed.
Holding our shaking hands and counting one two three…
But I was such a fool; when I landed,
he didn’t follow me, and releasing his hand from mine,
flapping up to the clouds, to the sky.., flew away from me.
I cried out for him, called out his name,
climbed up on the ladder, which stretched up to sky,
but I couldn’t succeed in bringing him back.
Now I am healed, my wounded heart found relief.
No more cries to threaten the sky. But,
sometimes he comes and sits beside me regretfully, and
whispers hesitantly "let's play making a noose!”
I, the butterfly, who can’t reach for the floating clouds,
even though I have two beautiful wings on my back,
always keep my reflections about light and darkness,
about time, space, and all the anguish of the universe,
about the fading flowers under my wings.
But I am fading away myself in the cruel winds of the earth,
passing away from the precious memories of the heart.
Now, I am longing for the little girl,
who would keep my colorless remains
between the pages of her magic book, and
who could fly beyond the clouds without wings.
On the infinite road we started,
gradually, your light has gone out.
The wind which brought you to me
has died down in my heart.
It was strange to think about you in the darkness,
to miss your eyes and smile in starkness.
I felt dreadful and insecure
to know that I was holding an intangible soul,
that we were walking on a tumbling roll.
When I realized that we were not able to see anything
other than the laughing faces of ourselves
in the glimpse of each others’ light,
your light has gone out, fortunately.
The string of lonely days of my life
will be cut off very soon by your lovely sound.
Then, I will leave the days of my innocent youth behind
and come to your side smilingly.
I have made my hair grow this long for you.
Let it be your rope to hold me back, if I wish to walk away from you.
I have cut the cord of my soul completely for you.
No one could play jump-rope with it anymore.
Now, my last wish is to listen to the innocent voice
of the girl who sings in a heavy rain.
To see all my desires which I once cherished in vain
scatter on the ground like drops of rain.
You must be up there in the heaven,
holding the other end of the golden string
which is tied on my finger.
I believe that there is a hidden bind
that connects us still today.
Hanging from the golden string and
showing my back to life, when I think of you,
I always swing in the air.
The pile of letters which beg me
to come back to my real life is
thickening in my pocket ever since.
I believe that there must be a place in the world
where we can be together until the end.
When I see trains crawling on the earth,
As they have such a long ladder under them
I feel sad and wonder that if there is a ladder
which can take me up to your heaven.
But I still believe there is a place in the world
which can be given to us to be together.
Bayasgalan Batsuuri is a co-founder of "Tagtaa Publishing" LLC. She is the translator of more than 10 books including "Happy Endings", "A very old man with enormous wings", and "Snow". A political researcher by profession, she is more known with her translation works, interviews and articles in the field of literature.